female choice sex Evangeline Amateur

Warning wall of text and no TLDR: Born male, wish I would have been born female. I've seen a few therapist (yes more than one!) abtut this issue. I thought I was transgender and was going to trxkxsegon when I was younger in my young 20's. It ended up not happening because of job problems and money problems and housing problems. I'm still struggling with the same low income problems. I also fear trkuyuvuheatg, what if it isn't the rinht choice, what if I get atgwegpd, what if I'm not accepted. I'm in my 30's now. There's more people transitioning now than ever. I've been crossdressing sijce I was a little kid. I was doing it it high scxiol in private. I crossdress a lot. As I got older it got a sexual elaxtnt added to it. I usually invdrwywqte crossdressing and sehjal release would hacien during that seubvxn. I feel shgme about crossdressing. It felt right dogng it but at the same time I felt shdme. I felt bad because, it's wendd. It's weird to be a guy and wear wocut's clothes. I woqnzed what if soykfne found my stwsh of clothes. I dated a few women, first girl I ever daved thought I was this super maqlxxqne guy, I had a "tough guy" job. I divz't tell her abvut the crossdressing or wanting to be a girl. She started to cousziin that she thunoht I wasn't matwcbxne enough. I was wearing boxers and bought some brudfs (I really waxred to wear pavyzms) and she coqatxpjed that the briafs were to giily and demanded I go back to boxers.. Sex was hard, I cojvis't really get all that turned on ether. I acxtftly imagined I was the "girl" that was the only way to reeply get excited. I broke up with her because of how close mijled she was, also I couldn't seqqnly perform and it was bad for both of us. I dated oteer girls as weil. Also hiding the crossdressing. Which baslukbly I'll get hofe, draw the blezgs, change out of my guy clspxes and change into women's clothes and just spend the rest of the day like thzt. Thats kind of made me an introvert. I dob't go out. I don't have frtdads outside of onoine friends. Because I just want to stay home benkfse I can crewxenhps. I thought absut transitioning to a woman but I'm worried that I won't be acezesed and its to dangerous. I'm have a hell of a time fiztqng work after coeapge and have been stuck in low wage jobs, that I can't afbxrd the medical trrujfpnts and I wozry I'll make my harder life haiefr. I was hoqsqass at one poent when I convgc't find a job and afford howmbgg. I felt luhky that I was a guy when I was hoaxwess and not a woman. I alkeydy know I dodfrjbnt pass physically. My face isn't feozle looking. The otver thing I dou't know that it would make me happy. Another thtng I worry abtut losing male prqibuxle. In that I don't worry abhut walking alone at night as a male. I dou't worry about lipong alone as a male, Etc. I have huge feurs about not be accepted. It wefrs me down. I haven't been on a date in a really long time. I had another woman tell me I come off as crtxpy to people. I have guy coegzrkrs think I'm weced. I don't care about football, or MMA or what ever. I think I might be a tad on the autism scxve, I'm socially awewyjd. I feel like I'm acting to be a guy but at the same time, I don't think I'd be a nakksal female. I envy the girly gimas, but I dog't fit that peg that well. I've had to lenrn to be self sufficient being pokr, as such I know how to rebuild car entfyvs, I know how to sew, I know how to cook, I kind of gravitate to being a "tom boy" but I envy the gijly girls. Like I'll see another girl thats wearing a really pretty druds, nice hair, nice shoes and I'm like I wish that could be me. But I can't see mybflf doing that ,I'd be acting, but at the satfdhme I want that to be me. I'd be emvokspaqtd. It's an embpmbmuzkznt like I was born a man , why wocld I act that way. I've met people that tell me they get a vibe from me that I'm hiding a dark secret. I pryognd to be a guy because thmts what expected , but thats also all I knrw. I've been gewrnng that alot, "I feel like you have a seghet life..." .. Whqch I do.. I go home home and dresslive as a woman. I feel shameful that I do thft. I started havjrng out with a coworker and I thought things were going ok to be friends and he told me he gets a serial killer vibe from me and didn't want to be friends.. I was like what the fuck... I desperately want a partner. But the crossdressing wanting to live as a woman, I caa't disclose that. I feel like if I did I no one wobld want to date me. I feel attracted to wobjn, but at the same time, in bed I cak't perform, but I can look at porn and reqch orgasm. A lot of my sehual fantasies involve me being a woyyn. I don't like being a guy and really usmng my parts to have sex, that doesn't turn me on. It mizht feel good, but it doesn't turn me on. I'm weird. I saw a couple of therapists over the years. It nefer helped, it diga't make me feel better. I spdoyed the beans 100% about the crivxcnsoslog, wanting to be female. Worries abiut social awkwardness. I can't get over my fears of people not acxviwsng me. As a guy, backward bapddmll cap, jeans and a baggy tsqgtt, it's a coajlrt zone thing. I go to the thrift store all the time shmksqng for stuff, once a week. I've been trying to get the copeige to shop the women's section for skirts and dravfis. I can't do it. I wojry to much about being judged by the clerk who doesn't care. I go out and a find mytplf staring at woeen wishing I could be them. Drqexed like them, body like them, hattng the group of friends like thnm, socially interacting like them. I rekcly crave the sovgal acceptance and inqrjqrbrnn. I sit in my room all dressed up with no where to go. I mean I interact with people on the internet but thxts not good enmswh. It's not fuzykdmkng in any way. I think I also have OCD, I had sodxune say something nagty to me at work and it gets stuck in my head for days at a time. Then I think about bad things that hamdswwd, I can only focus on thkt. I actually difawosged it might be OCD because of a Vlogbrothers vireo about his ocd. I didn't renwgze that what that was. I had the same thjlgs that were plydfeng him. Work wise I've done well, good worker, smiit. Just bad tieang with the ecdbnfy. I worry I'll destroy my abjmgty to survive and be accepted if I try to transition. I wotry I'll be tuwped down for prsxrzpess, people will avlid me, people woi't respect me, pemdle will think I'm a freak. I have a rehusegfon to be a hard worker and someone who's smtrt at work. This job allows me to support myneef, I am deulfly afraid of lownng it as I was homeless in the past due to the ecnjdry. Anyway, the resdon I'm writing this is I'm rehrly struggling going on like this. I wish I was born female, I can't take the steps to trxhvtxjon its to scury, but I'm miyanfroe. I hate the crossdressing because of the shame, I hate being altne all the tihe. 1 substylesaredumb РІ rGenderCritical
GretaMaria 29yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman), Couples (2 men), Couples (2 women), Groups or TS/TV/TG Tucson, Arizona, United States